Deborah Binner ”YET HERE I AM One Woman’s Story of Life After Death”
以下、印象に残った箇所のメモ。
Erika was, is, a conviction doctor. Anybody could see that. She was utterly, one hundred per cent convinced that people suffered less by having an assisted death. I’m not sure I’ve met anybody quite so certain in her beliefs, yet who was entirely without any personal vanity. ……
But I remain puzzled by Erika’s passion, which at times seemed to veer toward obsession. ……Un swerving in her belief? Yes definitely. But, and I looked straight into the whites of her eyes, driven entirely by a desire to alleviate human suffering. Not to cause any.
But I remain puzzled by Erika’s passion, which at times seemed to veer toward obsession. ……Un swerving in her belief? Yes definitely. But, and I looked straight into the whites of her eyes, driven entirely by a desire to alleviate human suffering. Not to cause any.
Yet I still kicked against her view. I still do to a large extent, although as time goes on and my thoughts settle, less so. My head understands all the intellectual arguments and I find it hard to disagree. But my heart still says no. Should we not be kinder, more patient, more respectful of human life? Isn’t how we support the dying so central to who we are as human beings?
(p.２８）……I worry deeply about how people who are ill can lose the sense of mattering to other people.……
I’ve since questioned myself on this. Did caring Chloe give me the purpose? Was I really motivated by wanting to be a kind of Florence Nightingale figure? Did Simon really need protecting from somebody like me who would have been quite content to devote my every second to him as a kind of ‘human pet.’ Ha, those was the words that Erika used. Did I want Simon as a ‘pet?’ A little harsh, but I think there is an issue here.
……I don’t believe that a law which allows assisted dying is good for a society. I think we struggle enough with valuing people who don’t fit in with our norms. Over time I believe it would seep into our collective consciousness and that would adversely color how we view people who were sick, disabled, old. It’s bad enough now.
(p.30)
I’ve since questioned myself on this. Did caring Chloe give me the purpose? Was I really motivated by wanting to be a kind of Florence Nightingale figure? Did Simon really need protecting from somebody like me who would have been quite content to devote my every second to him as a kind of ‘human pet.’ Ha, those was the words that Erika used. Did I want Simon as a ‘pet?’ A little harsh, but I think there is an issue here.
……I don’t believe that a law which allows assisted dying is good for a society. I think we struggle enough with valuing people who don’t fit in with our norms. Over time I believe it would seep into our collective consciousness and that would adversely color how we view people who were sick, disabled, old. It’s bad enough now.
(p.30)
……My own mother-in-law is 89 and she is adored so much. …… One of the most tender things I’ve ever seen is my grandson looking up at my mother-in-law with large trusting eyes. He loves spending time with her. She’s important to his well-being. Caring for each other can bring out the very best of us. I worry that if we allowed assisted dying here it would somehow devalue these lives that might not be considered ‘economically viable’.
（p. 31）
（p. 31）
なぜ一緒にスイスへ行ったのか？ 自分は一緒に行かないと言って止めようとした際に、「無理をさせたくはないから、OK」と言いつつ、気持ちは変えなかった。その後、自殺未遂を繰り返したので、折れざるを得なかった。エリカ先生に電話をすると、二度とそんなことはしないとサイモンに約束させてくれた。そして自分の出張をキャンセルし、自ら彼のPASを行うと約束した。
We had been warned of a ‘conveyor belt’ process where people are ‘herded in and out one after the other’ into a kind of soulless death chamber. It wasn’t like that. Compared to the grisly stories of elderly people dying in busy hospital wards, or even corridors, in our own UK health system, this death was being so carefully planned. A lot more thought through.
I know, I know, I make a good case for assisted dying. But something stops me from wholeheartedly endorsing it. More than anything I think it’s the slippery slope argument. It was OK for Simon. It would be ok for me. But would it be good for a society that so often turns a bling eye to people with rubbish luck? And, in my view, the after effects on the family and friends are especially complicated.
(p. 43)
I know, I know, I make a good case for assisted dying. But something stops me from wholeheartedly endorsing it. More than anything I think it’s the slippery slope argument. It was OK for Simon. It would be ok for me. But would it be good for a society that so often turns a bling eye to people with rubbish luck? And, in my view, the after effects on the family and friends are especially complicated.
(p. 43)
I am absolutely fuming that my husband left me to fend in this world alone. That was not the deal. I counted his calories, make him walk, run, dealt with his medical appointments, cooked him fine organic meals, reduced his stress levels, cared about him, loved him, cherished him. BUT it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. All my love, with all my heart was pointless and useless in the face of MND.
Was it arrogant of me to think that everything that I had to offer would stop Simon wanting to die?
(p. 66)Assisted dyingの議論を避けてきたのは、私が自分のことばかり考えて夫の望みについてそれほど考えてなかったため？ という自問を繰り返している。
On the other side of things Simon was, quite possible, acting selfishly too. He was so traumatized by this dreadful illness he could only think of what he needed.
……
I wasn’t arguing against assisted dying for any religious reason at all. I was arguing from deep in my soul. Something didn’t sit right.
(p. 68)
ADには賛成か反対かといった二者択一の議論はできない。There are so many different shades of grey. It’s a massively complicated issue. （p。67）
……I was especially furious with the people who seemed to want to convince me that he’d done the right thing. …… I don’t really, truly understand my own feelings and know that they sometimes seem so conflicted. ……
I wasn’t arguing against assisted dying for any religious reason at all. I was arguing from deep in my soul. Something didn’t sit right.
(p. 68)
……The wives, the partners, the family members who just aren’t sure. Who are left wondering did we really do enough for him, to make his life matter whatever the circumstances. I am left feeling that an assisted death leaves its very own unpredictable marks. I cannot help but think that the chance of complicated grief, after such an event, are that much more likely. I think it’s difficult to come to terms with.
(p. 69)
(p. 69)
I HAVE steered clear of campaigning for a change in the law on assisted dying, despite being asked many times. I feel I cop out of the argument but, unusually for me, I remain ambivalent about this situation. My biggest fear being the slippery slope of a lack of value on life and the fact that many people in my husband’s position may feel more of a burden than they already do.
I have instead tried to show on as many occasions as possible- including talks to schools with the most wonderful curious young people – the up close and personal picture of what assisted dying actually looks like and the unique scars that it leaves behind.
(p.75)……Assisted dying does make grieving more complicated somehow. And that was an important conversation that we had with the doctors. They warned it would be harder for all of us; and it has been. Journalists! Honestly. Having opinions on things they know nothing about.
……
……
When my daughter lay dying, I sat with her in my arms, stroking her little head with tiny tufts of hair. She told me she was happy. Unbelievably, for that moment, I was happy, too. There was nothing else of interest to me but my little girl’s happiness and contentment. Our house was our sanctuary and it was a beautiful place to be.
This may seem the strangest thing to say but it was the worst of times and the best of times…I touched on love at its very deepest level. We think we are close to our children, but nothing came near that closeness and love that my daughter and I had at that moment. It was a precious moment and in my happier days it sustains me. I loved and was loved so much. And that is worthwhile.
In contrast, Simon’s death feels unresolved. To me and I only speak as to bear witness, it felt angry, rejecting and abrupt. It felt a lot like a suicide. Simon was brave. It was incredibly important to him to be brave; to be seen to be brave. I think he genuinely thought that taking his life was brave and it would save us a lot of heartache in seeing him spiral into full disability. I know that his intentions were entirely pure. But I really think the words bravery and courage should be taken out of the whole equation. Surely it is equally brave to live with an illness, a disability, to embrace vulnerability and to accept that none of us really have that much control.
(p. 85)This may seem the strangest thing to say but it was the worst of times and the best of times…I touched on love at its very deepest level. We think we are close to our children, but nothing came near that closeness and love that my daughter and I had at that moment. It was a precious moment and in my happier days it sustains me. I loved and was loved so much. And that is worthwhile.
In contrast, Simon’s death feels unresolved. To me and I only speak as to bear witness, it felt angry, rejecting and abrupt. It felt a lot like a suicide. Simon was brave. It was incredibly important to him to be brave; to be seen to be brave. I think he genuinely thought that taking his life was brave and it would save us a lot of heartache in seeing him spiral into full disability. I know that his intentions were entirely pure. But I really think the words bravery and courage should be taken out of the whole equation. Surely it is equally brave to live with an illness, a disability, to embrace vulnerability and to accept that none of us really have that much control.
……It is a personal belief but I do not believe my life is entirely mine to choose what to do with. I believe I have a duty to those I leave behind; to those who have honored me with their love.
It could be that I opt for an assisted death. I’ve seen this up close and personal and it is nothing to fear. But I will ensure that I would only do this with my family’s blessing and I know the pain and the unresolved feelings that can be left after this choice.
(p. 175)……My objection to my late husband’s death is that it was not collaborative and it did not feel gentle or graceful. It was so much less about us as a loving couple and more about an audience. I think that my husband needed this as the intimacy of a death would have been too painful for him. I loved and admired my husband greatly. He was not a cruel man and was hugely dignified. But – and I seek only to show a truthful picture – his death felt very much life abandonment and that it wasn’t collaborative act.
(p. 176)
……
Assisted death is not suicide, but it feels a hell of a lot like it to me. And I know that you may well say, “Well so what.”(p. 176)
